Ranking the coaches' performances at SEC media days

As you’ll soon find out, I’ll be emptying the notebook from SEC media days this week here in the Slophouse. My first order of business is ranking the SEC’s coaches from best to worst based on their performances at the Wynfrey Hotel last week.

The only thing that would have ruined Vanderbilt Coach Robbie Caldwell's lovable, "gosh, I'm just so glad to be here" appearance at SEC media days for The Slophouse would have been a "Git-R-Done" joke. Luckily for us, Caldwell was able to toe the line perfectly. (AP Photo/Butch Dill)

From “Blue Collar Comedy Coach” to robotic answers and jokes falling flat, I present to you my rankings of the best and worst at SEC media days.

1. Robbie Caldwell, Vanderbilt — Thanks to stories of inseminating turkeys and receiving tips for holding a door open as common courtesy, Vanderbilt interim coach Robbie Caldwell has the Commodores atop the SEC.

Well, at least in the category of most interesting and entertaining at SEC media days last week.

Sure, Caldwell was funny and the applause he received after his appearance Thursday was an eye-opening moment that will not be forgotten (or soon become a reprise from those in attendance) but the question remains at the end of the day — can he win?

Then again, does winning really matter in Nashville?

2. Nick Saban, Alabama (live blog recap) — Maybe it’s the unmistakable spectacle provided by dozens of Alabama fans at the Wynfrey Hotel lobby affecting my opinion, but Nick Saban certainly mixed the pot when he hurled such superlatives as “pimp” and “entrapment” when discussing agents luring college players to break NCAA rules.

Saban’s remarks started media days off with a bang, and certainly raised the ante for any the 11 coaches who would later follow on stage. But how soon do we in the SEC press corps forget that, yes, coaches have their faults too in this agent-player mess?

Simply put, agents aren’t the only predators in this college jungle.

That aside, Saban was definitely on point and had a message to deliver when he stood at the dais to kick off media days Wednesday.

One — agents are ‘da debil.

Two — Despite being only disconnected by six months, Nick Saban doesn’t like talking about the Crimson Tide’s national championship.

Whatever you say, coach.

3. Derek Dooley, Tennessee (live blog recap) — Derek Dooley is clean cut, focused and looked as comfortable standing in front of several hundred members of the media as he would in front of a jury in stagnant southern court room.

After all, the man with a law degree is accustomed to the pressure.

Dooley was honest and fair in discussing his past, his legendary father Vince Dooley, the bar fight involving Tennessee players and living up to expectations set by past coaches Johnny Majors and Phil Fulmer.

But what about L**e K***in? The Volunteers coach wouldn’t bite on questions concerning the coach who left Knoxville after one year on the job, but did mention the coach’s name forsaken in eastern Tennessee on three occasions.

Coaches — and SEC commissioner Mike Slive, for that matter — are counting their lucky stars Lane Kiffin is gone.

4. Urban Meyer, Florida (live blog recap) — Urban Meyer was Tim Tebow-less, and with the certainty of facing questions about him retiring and un-retiring in January, Meyer’s mouth (esophageal spasms or not) could have been as closed as a clam.

But credit Meyer for stepping up and answering questions with some added explanation and clarity, specifically on the agents topic. He also had a few quotables. He called agents “predators” and their dealings as an “epidemic.”

5. Bobby Petrino, Arkansas (live blog recap) — This is where the rankings are muddled, as no one below Petrino provided much in the way of discussion outside the media room at the Wynfrey Hotel.

On a day that was all about Ryan Mallett, Petrino confused Facebook with “facemask”and added some petrol to the already red-hot expectations of Arkansas fans.

“It’s taken us a while to get to the point where we have high expectations as a university and as a fan base and players,” Petrino said. “I think it’s a good thing.  I think the one thing we can’t do is shy away from it.  Let’s embrace it, let it motivate us, then let’s go out and do everything we can to make ‘em come true.”

After all these years, Houston Nutt can still entertain and provide a few useful quotes. (AP Photo/Butch Dill)

6. Houston Nutt, Ole Miss (live blog recap) — He swerved in and out of coachspeak, spouted his usual superlatives and discussed how to appropriately dodge high expectations just as he did when he irritated Arkansas fans his last three years in Fayetteville.

But credit Nutt for starting his time — his 13th — at the podium by wishing former Vanderbilt Coach Bobby Johnson a happy retirement. Along with Caldwell’s “Blue Collar Comedy Coach” routine, Nutt provided a breath of fresh air on what has quickly become a button-up, clean-cut, businessman-like league filled with cookie cutter quotes and robotic gestures.

7. Mark Richt, Georgia — There’s something to be said about being in the SEC for 10 years and still seeming to be at ease at the podium as people discount your coaching ability, despite repeated trips to the BCS and SEC championship game.

Georgia’s athletics world has been in a whirlwind since Damon Evans’ arrest and subsequent resignation as the athletic director, but Richt has his own questions to answer on defense as the Bulldogs switch to a 3-4 defense.

The coach was also candid when discussing Arkansas, which scored 41 points on the ‘Dogs last season.

“It’s scary preparing for Arkansas,” he said.

8. Dan Mullen, Mississippi State (live blog recap) — His opening line asking members of the media to ring their celebratory cowbells fell on deaf ears, but Dan Mullen’s excitment entering Year 2 was somewhat contagious.

He believes these Bulldogs, led by the dual threat of quarterback Chris Relf, can compete and win a championship this year.

While that’s unlikely in 2010, it’s undeniable Mullen has a personality and coaching mind to do just that some time soon in Starkvegas.

9. Steve Spurrier, South Carolina — If there is a man who looks more in need of retirement, let me know.

Steve Spurrier, his hair gleaming an unnatural tone underneath the hot lights, looked tired and didn’t offer many quotable shots at coaches, teams or controversial subjects as we’ve seen in the past. The Ol’ Ball Coach looked old, worn and ambivalent during his time at the podium.

Deep, deep, deep down inside me I hope to see Spurrier do well this year just so I don’t have to hear words like this come out of the man’s mouth again:

“I don’t think I’ve won enough games lately to have any outlandish quotes,” he said. “If you win a bunch of games, it’s pretty easy to give all the answers up here.  But we haven’t won enough.  I’m just another ball coach trying to win a whole bunch of games that we haven’t quite done yet.”

10. Joker Phillips, Kentucky — This is where it got downright boring, folks. Joker Phillips looked uncomfortable, didn’t provide much insight and left plenty to be desired.

His most memorable moment? Discussing former Tennessee quarterback Tee Martin, who is now a receivers coach for the Wildcats.

About what, you ask? Umm, well, I don’t remember.

At least we know Phillips doesn’t listen to “the noise.” I explain here.

11. Les Miles, LSU (live blog recap) — The man can bore you to death with his meandering thoughts and explanations, his repeated “love” of his team and the hopes of winning another championship.

But hidden in every speech there is usually one great quotable. If not, at least the Mad Hatter tells us to “have a great day” or explains his 2-minute offense and clock management skills.

Not this time.

I found myself surfing The Quotable Les Miles (www.thequotablelesmiles.com) before he turned to exit the stage with the words, “Thanks, guys. See ‘ya.”

12. Gene Chizik, Auburn (live blog recap) — Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

He had the longest opening statement of the 12 coaches, sparking no one’s enthusiasm in a room already chilled by the industrial size air conditioning units at the Wynfrey Hotel. As Wally Hall put it, Chizik was as enjoyable as a cold cheese dip.

His answers were repetitive and long, and he knowingly and methodically took his time, devouring the clock like the running game at Georgia Tech. Still, his long answers didn’t melt the clock. Several of us in the crowd glanced at our various watches and computer clocks like a sixth-grader waiting for the school bell to ring and signify the end to another monotonous day in the classroom.

I kept waiting for someone to yell “5-19!” to liven things up.

Joking aside, Auburn and the Tigers’ faithful have a good man and coach leading their program back to prominence.

What matters is what happens on the field, not in a hotel conference room.

Football season is just around the corner, folks.

Make sure to check out WholeHogSports.com and the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette for more coverage. You can also follow us on Twitter for breaking news updates with @bmarcello and @wholehogsports.

— Brandon Marcello